


Going down Swinging

by flightless_soren



Category: Show By Rock!! - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:42:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6256945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightless_soren/pseuds/flightless_soren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuu is sick. They all have to come to terms with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going down Swinging

**Author's Note:**

> All your comments on my last fic were so lovely, so here is some pain.
> 
> I wrote this half a year ago, and left it sitting on my HD half finished in all that time because I never got inspiration to fill in the missing gaps. This is the only divergent in post canon I've written for, mostly because I like Shuu being happy and not terminally sick. So any other work you read of mine with these two, this is not the timeline I write them in haha.

Just one more time.  
  
The guitar is a comforting weight in his arms, out of nervous habit Shuu plucks at one of the strings, checking on his tuning. About five metres away, he hears the steady stamp of the crowd, gradually increasing in volume as the MC winds them up.  
  
“I can’t wait for Monday,” he hears Kai mutter off to his left.  
  
“Now now, none of that attitude on stage,” Shuu warns over his shoulder, although he completely agrees with the sentiment. He wants nothing better than the night to be over with, to get back to his hotel room, sit in a scorching hot bath and nurse a glass of wine for the rest of the night. Not that its anything new, but a building headache has been pressing against his eyes all day, making his vision blur and fingers shake.  
  
Its not like he doesn’t have medication to fix this. Sometimes it feels like he takes three pills for one thing, and another five for something else. Some work. Others don’t. Tonight, its looking like the latter.  
  
Just one more time.  
  
Then the tour will be over with, and they’ll have a two week break. A months break would fit the bill better- his tail swishes irritably- and Shuu nervously stretches out his fingers. Stop shaking.  
  
A stagehand is waving to them.  
  
“You’re on in thirty seconds.”  
  
Shuu nods, and its only when he feels Riku press beside him that he realises he’s spacing out.  
  
“Shuuzo? Are you okay?”  
  
Its so easy to pull the mask back up. His smile glitters as he quickly turns to the boys, switching on the LEDs built into his guitar handle.  
  
“This is our last night, so remember to make it count. I know you’ll both make me proud,” that last sentence surprises himself as much as the twins. Before he can address them further, the stagehand is gesturing for them to move.  
  
There’s that few seconds of eery blackness on the stage as the band organises themselves into position, the crowd, somewhere out there, electrified by excited whispers and slowly waving glow sticks. That single moment that can only be described as the calm before the storm, which makes Shuu’s tail fluff out in sudden adrenaline, a smile so much more natural fixed in place.  
  
The stage floods with lights, and Shuu can’t count the number of times they’ve rehearsed this. Spread out below them, a sea of black bodies surges, screaming so loudly Shuu can barely hear himself as he shouts his catch phrase to them all.  
  
“Are you ready?!”  
  
As the first beat of the song starts up, he has to wonder why he was even in such a bad mood before. This is where he belongs. Right here, centre stage and pouring his heart and soul into the microphone. The shrill cries gradually fade away as the familiar music washes over his senses, pumping through his body and its all so easy.  
  
Shuu almost laughs in delight. Why the hell did he ever want this feeling to end?  
  
Then it hits him. A sudden wave of intense nausea. He stumbles his line, and the crowd doesn’t notice. But he hears the twins hesitate.  
  
_Shit_.  
  
He can do this, he thinks, forcing the feeling back down. There’s only a minute left to the song, its fine.  
  
But then- the music begins to soften, a low humming filling his ears, and his guitar slips from his fingers, seconds later his body joining it on the ground.

* * *

  
He remembers something from long ago. Of sitting in a white washed room, and been given the worse news of his life.  
  
_“I’m sorry, Shuu, but there’s nothing we can do.”_  
  
He remembers feeling the weight of the world shift for a moment, all those tons landing square on his shoulders and slowly crushing the breath right out of him.  
  
_“At best, you might have a few years left. There are some options you can take to make the process less painful-”_  
  
He remembers the rest of those words fading to white noise. Nothing mattered anymore.  
  
There had been a split second decision waiting for him when he’d got back to their hotel that night. He had been completely drenched, black hair sticking up at odd angles and his trench coat barely doing a well enough job in keeping him warm.  
  
He could stay like this. Cold, defeated and miserable. Or he could do better. _Much_ better.  
  
Shuu opens his eyes. A white ceiling greets him, and he groggily focuses on the dull pain in his inner elbow and behind his eyes. A steady beep helps wake him a little more. He’s in hospital. Of _course_ he’s in hospital, he thinks wryly, nose remembering the smells, ears picking up on the same old soundtrack on the speaker system.  
  
Something very out of place is in the room with him.  
  
“Hey,” his voice cracks, startling himself and his visitor. He’s far too tried to even attempt to put on an act. The mask he’s used for so long between them, its almost unnatural to sound like himself again.  
  
“You know, I don’t think I’ve seen you without makeup in about five years. You look like shit, by the way.”  
  
Rom hasn’t changed. Maybe its been a little over half a year or so that Shuu’s seen him in person, his hair looks shorter at the back, his shoulders broader in his work suit. Okay, maybe he _has_ changed. He’s so tried.  
  
Shuu tries to sit up, before realising he’s attached to a drip so doesn’t bother any further.  
  
“What are you doing here?” he asks, because the last time he’d checked, Rom barely wanted anything to do with him.  
  
“I was your emergency contact.”  
  
“. .  for real?”  
  
“Judas took you here- but that was it. They didn't want to deal with the bills or looking after you any further. You got admitted under your real name, Shuu. Those old records weren’t wiped.”  
  
Sighing a little, Shuu closes his eyes. He loathes to admit it, but seeing his old friend- or ex rather- was something of a comfort. He knows they both never managed to truly move on, both desperately clinging to one another in hopes something would one day click back into place. It drives Rom crazy, Shuu can always see it. The only way Shuu manages to cope is pretending its all one big stage act. But he knows Rom still cares, why else would he be here after all? Being around Rom, its like he can finally relax and not have to hide anymore, its all so simple when he’s with him. Or at least it _used_ to be. The content feeling swiftly vanishes when Rom’s growl interrupts his thoughts.  
  
“What were you thinking?”  
  
“This may shock you Rom, but I was doing what most well established bands do. Perform.”  
  
Near the ground, Shuu can see the leopard’s tail visibly twitching. At each sharp flick, Shuu can see his temper climbing. His hands are neatly folded across his chest, fingers gripping onto either side of his arms to stop himself from loosing what’s little left of his cool.  
  
“If you knew you were sick, you could have delayed the show. I doubt your fans would have cared waiting one more day.”  
  
“I’m going to forgive your ignorance, since your pitiful excuse for a band barely makes it to the charts, let alone has enough money to hit it big- but that’s not how tours work. Once you cancel a night, that’s it. The stage is already prebooked the next day. You loose money and ratings. Your reputation goes down.”  
  
“No need to worry about that glorious reputation anymore,” Rom spits, and throws a newspaper at Shuu. It meekly flops open as it bounces off his chest.  
  
“Ah. Front page.”  
  
Oh boy.  
  
Rom stands up, and Shuu has never really been afraid of the much larger male before. He’s more concerned that with a needle halfway up his arm he can’t dodge any punches.  
  
“What the fuck, Shuu,” his voice is thick, and for a second Shuu thinks he’s going to start really shouting. Then realises thats not it at all. “Fuck. _Shuu_ ,” he keeps repeating his name, ears flicking down and sounding more and more wrecked as he tries to get the next sentence out.  
  
“Why are the doctors saying you don’t have much longer to live?”  
  
That all too familiar buzzing sound is back in his ears. He feels the top of his skull go numb and tries to remember to breath out evenly. He feels hyper aware of everything around him, the heart monitor sounding louder than ever, the harsh scratch of the hospital sheets against his skin, and the very real shake in Rom’s voice. He wants him to get mad again. He can deal with that. He can’t deal with him upset.  
  
“Shuu, please, for the love of god _say something_.”  
  
He’s brought back when Rom grips his hand far too tightly.  
  
He supposes this fake conversation has gone on long enough.  
  
“It’s true. They’re right. I don’t- I’m going to die soon,” Shuu suddenly laughs. Hearing himself say that so seriously- he almost thinks its a joke, it sounds so dramatic to his own ears. And he makes a living out of being overly dramatic for god's sake. Rom looks at him like he’s gone mad. He probably has, really.  
  
From behind Rom’s eyes, Shuu sees him slowly start to work it all out.  
  
“Is this. .  this why you left the band. Shit, why didn’t you _tell_ me? You’ve been lying all these years you- you’re _sick_.”  
  
“I _am_ sick,” he deadpans, and Rom actually lifts his lips up into a snarl.  
  
“That’s _not_ what I meant, you stupid fuck.”  
  
“I couldn’t take it, okay?!” Shuu shouts, surprised he even has the energy for it. Yanking his hand out of Rom’s grip, he lifts his eyes to him, deciding he may as well go down fighting. “I wasn’t going to sit around, hopping from one shitty venue to the next, preforming to barely twenty people a night- I wasn’t going to die as a fucking- no named band, so in-debt it would have been kinder to just slit my wrists then,” there’s a visible crack in the walls he’s been faithfully putting up for all these years. And now that he’s started, all the truth finally spills out. “And I wasn’t having one damn minute of that. Because fuck the doctors, and fuck dying. I was going out shining, Rom. I wanted to make a name for myself, to prove to the world that some dreams, no matter what horrible circumstances you’re put under- you can always come out on top. That life _can_ be worth it. And now I’ve been fucked up the ass thanks to last night,” bitterly, he swats the newspaper off the bed.    
  
He’s so worked up, its only now, as he pauses for breath, that he realises he’s crying. He raises a hand trying to hide himself away.  
  
“I loved music so much. I wanted to be on stage so badly- it was home. And now- now I _can’t_ ,” Shuu covers his mouth, shoving down his sobs.  
  
“Do you think this makes it okay,” Rom’s voice is dangerously low, and he recognises the tone- its the one he uses when he’s about to leave a man unable to walk for days- and Shuu- Shuu knows he’s being unfair. He hadn’t been expecting any pity from Rom. He knows- he knows he put music before loving Rom. And neither of them had ever been okay with that. “Why did you leave me? We could have gotten through this, _together_.”  
  
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”  
  
The noise they’ve made has drawn security. Rom’s taken by the arm and marched to the door, pausing once as he glances back at Shuu. He’s turned away, covers drawn up and shutting him out.

* * *

  
Its hard being in the same room with the twins, especially when Kai looks about two seconds away from crying and Riku is trying to keep it together for all three of them. Even more so when neither of them have seen him without his flamboyant stage costumes on, ten layers of stage makeup and the mask that screams fake fake fake. He’s just. .  a regular myumon now, hooked up to beeping machines, tucked under a white hospital sheet and looking like he hasn’t eaten in about a week.  
  
He doesn’t want to admit that it makes him feel defenseless, but he really does _not_ want to be dealing with this right now.  
  
“Shuuzo, are you really going to quit?” small talk died about half an hour ago, Riku wanting to get to the matter at hand. Trying not to sigh, Shuu instead smiles tiredly at his boys.  
  
“Its not a matter of what I want. I have very little say in the matter. Judas is ending my contract. Essentially, they ended it when they dumped me here and left.”  
  
“They can’t just _end it_ ,” angrily, Kai shoots to his feet, almost looking relieved at being able to direct his emotions at something other than sadness. Riku quickly grabs hold of his hand, silently urging him to calm down.  
  
“Of course they can. Judas can’t be seen with idols collapsing in the middle of concerts.”  
  
“Well that’s- that’s just _bullshit_. You’ll be fine in a few weeks, right? After you get discharged, you’ll get better, and- and then you’ll be able to preform again like normal- they can’t just get rid of you, you’ve been apart of the academy for years, and just because you had a small fall doesn’t give them the right to throw you out!”  
  
“Brother. . .” pleading softly, Riku has to physically yank him back to his seat, fixing him with a quiet stare that tries to speak more than any words can fix.  
  
“Didn’t Judas tell you?” Shuu asks.  
  
“Of course they did.”  
  
Kai gives a quiet snort at Riku’s words, eyes starting to fill up with distressed tears.  
  
A very uneasy silence fills the room, until Shuu needs to glance away and find a distraction out the window. He’s always known Kai’s idol fixation isn’t purely innocent. He supposes its been a bit mean of him to not have nipped the crush in the bud when he’d first noticed its presence. Even after speaking to Riku about it, his younger brother had been at a loss to what kind of advice to give him either, asides from trying to keep him in check. Really, if he’s honest with himself, Shuu had hoped after a few months- now years, god damnit- Kai would have turned his attention to something else. He was young, barely seventeen, Judas having scouted them at fourteen, and he had hoped it was just a silly teenage thing. Although, he had always thought Rom had been just a silly teenage thing, and look where that had landed him.  
  
“What will you boys do now?” he asks in an attempt to lighten the mood.  
  
“Judas mentioned they’d still like us to continue as a duo, but I don’t think we’ll be up to it,” answering on both their behalves, Riku takes Kai’s hand in a comforting squeeze. “I think I’ll ask to teach one of the classes back at the academy, and for Kai, um, we’ll get to that as it comes.”  
  
“Kai?”  
  
His ears prick at little at being called, a harsh frown making his lips turn down at the corners. “. . . I hate that we have to talk about this. That we just need to sit back and accept that- that you’re. .  shit,” his voice quavers, clearly unable to admit to the horrible truth of the situation. Shuu makes a beaconing gesture, Kai at last removes himself from his brother and kneels at Shuu’s bedside so he can speak to him at eye level. Shuu reaches out to kindly stroke the top of his head.  
  
“It’s not happening yet, I’ll still be around,” he neglects to say for how much longer, chewing the inside of his mouth when he sees tears slowly tracking down Kai’s cheeks.  
  
“I shouldn’t be the one crying. Or making you comfort us,” he tries to quickly wipe at his eyes, but Shuu moves his hand to the back of his head and nudges him until he’s settled into a one armed hug, cheek resting against Shuu’s chest.  
  
“It’s alright. I came to accept this would happen a long time ago,” Shuu murmurs, not missing the sharp look Riku gives him. He finds it very easy to settle back into the mask he always uses around the twins- even if its something Riku has seen past many times now. Although, its hard, he realises, keeping up a brave face in front of them both, acting like he needs to be strong in an attempt to keep them all together.  
  
He lets Kai cry himself out, only moving when a nurse comes in to inform them their visiting time is over. As Kai waits by the door, Riku leans down to tightly hug Shuu, heart sinking when he feels just how much he’s deteriorated in such a short amount of time. Rather. How much he has been for months, makeup and costumes always doing such a good job at hiding everything.  
  
“If you need anything, just tell me,” he whispers.  
  
“Look after your brother.”  
  
After they leave, Shuu finally feels like he can breath again, and he asks the nurses to take him up to the rooftop viewing platform. Enough time has past for him to have recovered somewhat to move on his own, the only awkward part is maneuvering the portable drip stand still hooked up to his arm. Not needing to mind Shuu twenty four seven, he gets told they’ll be back to fetch him in twenty minutes or so and he’s extremely grateful when the door slams shut and he can at last be away from that god forsaken room.  
  
Wheeling the stand over to the chain linked fence, Shuu leans up against it, taking his time in enjoying Midi City from so high above. It feels almost surreal that here he is, slowly wasting away, yet the skies are clear and bright, bird chorus coming from down below and a happy buzz of noise from the city all around him- life doesn’t stop just because his is ending.  
  
There’s a clatter from behind, the stair well doors opening and shutting, and Shuu hums, a little disappointed he now has to share his quiet with someone else.  
  
Glancing over his shoulder, his eyebrows raise a little when he sees who it is.  
  
“I didn’t think you’d be back,” he calls over to Rom, who looks much more relaxed in his civvies and fluffed up hair. Its a little odd seeing him without his usual leathers and fluffy vest.  
  
“Yeah yeah.”  
  
Taking a moment to assess the distance between them, Rom finally approaches, hands awkwardly stuffed into his jean pockets, head lowered a little sheepishly.  
  
“. . I felt bad about the other week. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”  
  
“You’re far too nice for you’re own good, Rom. I deserved it. Probably more, if we’re being really honest here,” Shuu tries to smile, but it comes out a little half assed.  
  
“Its in the past Shuu. I should have learnt by now to move on from that.”  
  
“That just shows it was real. It meant something to you, to both of us,” he can see Rom’s tail slowly swishing by his side- not an indicator of anger, just a sign of being unsure of how to proceed from here. Shuu knows there’s so much unsaid history just moments away from spilling out, and he’s not entirely sure if he’s ready to face that on top of every other thing. Though he will admit, he never would have expected this kind of talk to be so matter of fact. There was no yelling, no tempers flaring. Just a very quiet acceptance about it. Maybe this is what it meant to grow up, to somehow move on from that old hurt and at last bury the hatchet.  
  
“Hmm. I’m not used to you being so placid.”  
  
“Guess that’s what happened when you’re dying,” he regrets being a smart ass the moment he sees Rom’s face contort painfully. He knows the real reason behind Rom's surrender to the long fight- facing the reality that soon Shuu would no longer be around. When greeted with death, hardly anything else mattered anymore. “The twins were here awhile ago,” he tries to keep going, to keep it natural. He sees Rom inche a little closer.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“They weren’t too happy- understandably. Judas doesn’t want me anymore, broken goods or whatever. Kai cried a lot. Its really stupid, isn’t it, that I need to keep being the brave one, tell them all its going to be just fine when. .  when its not. .  is it?” his voice trails off as he tries hard not to sob. He’s already cried once in front of the leopard, he doesn’t need to do it again.  
  
“Shuu, you don’t need to be strong in front of me,” he doesn’t know if its the familiar sound of his name, or the way Rom’s blue eyes soften just like they always used to whenever Shuu needed to be told things would be okay- it all comes rushing back of how easy it was to realise he could always hide against Rom, use him like a pillar, just being beside him meant the world wouldn’t fall apart just yet.  
  
Very mindful of the drip cord, Rom eases his arms around Shuu’s small frame, clutching onto him tightly. Sniffling, Shuu buries his face into Rom’s chest, his all to familiar scent making his heart race and eyes burn as he still tries to swallow back his tears anyway.  
  
“I had a talk with your manager,” Rom murmurs, rubbing his chin against the top of Shuu’s head. “And he agreed it would be best to hand you over into my custody.”  
  
Surprised, Shuu quickly looks up at him, feeling as though he may have misheard somewhere. “. . . what? Rom you- but,” he struggles to find the right words.  
  
“Look. I know- I _know_ its kind of messy. You did a really shitty thing Shuu, I ain’t gonna lie about that- but also, also it really doesn’t matter anymore. Like. Shit. Even with all that, I really don’t think I could take parting with you again, especially when it could be the last fucking time. I just want to be together with you Shuu, even if you don’t have feelings for me anymore I just- I want to look after you, I want to wake up and see your face again. I just. Fuck. I want us to be happy, okay?”  
  
Shuu’s heart is pounding so fast and so loud, he thinks he’s about to faint. He can feel tears slowly spilling down his cheeks, lips curling up into a broad smile. “Of course I want that, I’ve wanted that for so long now, but I was so scared.”  
  
Rom laughs, tone disbelieving and shaky, and he brings up a hand to try wipe away the steady flow of tears off Shuu’s face. “Scared of what?”  
  
“That I’d really managed to fuck it all up,” he smiles a little sadly, pressing his face into Rom’s hand. “Somehow, it made sense in my head that leaving you was the only way to protect you. I knew I was sick, I didn’t want to put you through that- making you watch me gradually get worse and worse. Maybe it was some weird myumon instinct, but I acted on it, wanting to run off and die quietly without being a bother to anyone.”  
  
With a quiet huff, Rom pulls Shuu’s face back into his chest, stroking the back of his head. “You already know you’re an idiot. I don’t have enough breath in me to keep repeating it- but you’re not dead yet, and you won’t be for awhile longer. So in that time, let’s learn to not fuck anything else up, yeah?”

* * *

  
Rom takes him to his studio one last time. Its over cast and drizzling, and Shuu thinks this is the first time he’s ever walked into the building without ten layers of frills, lace and sequins. Wanting to deal with it by himself he asks Rom to stay in the car. _Their_ car. Still kind of a weird feeling to get used to.  
  
Its only been a few weeks, and its scary how quickly they've both fallen back into their same old routine from long ago. Shuu got the left side of the bed, their vanity was split between Shuu’s make up and Rom’s hair products while their wardrobe was a mess of Rom’s business suits, leathers and Shuu’s pastel tastes.  
  
He didn’t know why he expected it to be hard, they fit so well together as teenagers- almost nothing was different even with those long years apart. Shuu was still a grumpy morning person, Rom having to remember he wouldn’t allow him to get out of bed until some form of cuddles had been granted- and he would whine and whine until Rom kissed him goodbye for work. Anyone else would have found it grating. Rom found it endearing. He supposed he'd always had weird tastes.

Shuu still couldn't cook. If anything, he had gotten _worse_. The first and only time Rom had let him use his kitchen, he'd manage to burn hard boiled eggs as well as half the wall behind it and Rom hadn't thought that shit was _possible_. So even though he rarely came home to a cooked meal after work, he was alway greeted by a dazzling smile and a kiss, odd jobs around the house having been done instead of food.

Rom's apartment had never had much stuff in it before, just the bare minimum to get by. Now with Shuu back in his life, very slowly things have been added to each room. More fluffy pillows for the couch and bedroom. Different sheets on the bed, an extra set of drawers to hold all their things. Using some of his savings, Shuu hadn't taken no for an answer and brought him a new set of weights for his small work out set up he had in the spare room- though Rom had been slightly suspicious it was still for Shuu's benefit, as he enjoyed watching Rom work out far too much.  
  
Now that Shuu had settled in more comfortably, they had decided it was about time to fetch the rest of his stuff from his studio. The morning had started off well enough, but the closer Rom got to the venue, the quieter and quieter Shuu had become.  
  
The janitor has kindly left the lights on, and asides from the rattling of the wind at the windows, Shuu is completely alone. The recc room is untouched, some other band will fill it shortly. Down the narrow corridor, he peers into the twins room, finding most of the insides stripped down. The sight is so strange. The large mirrors and dressers are empty of makeup and accessories. Walls bare without their large posters and merchandise. Feathers and fallen threads are the only things left inside their wardrobes.  
  
Despite their previous conversation, he'd heard Riku had up and quit entirely, now working for a local high school, tutoring up and coming bass players. It sounded like Judas didn’t want him staying in the academy any longer and Shuu thinks he’ll be much happier there. Meanwhile Kai, asides from a few phone calls between him and Riku, his younger brother hasn’t spoken much of him.  
  
Closing the door sadly behind him, Shuu braces himself as he enters his dressing room. His tail stills at the sight. Much like the twins, the walls are empty, most of the furnishings gone too. His costumes are still jammed into the double wardrobe in the corner, ready for him to pack away and the large dressing table is still littered with half used makeup. Dragging his suitcase behind him, he kicks it into the middle of the room, a strange, queasy feeling starting up in his stomach.  
  
Oddly enough, the costumes are the easy part. He wrinkles his nose at some of them, almost rolling his eyes at how ridiculously over the top most of them are. A lot of this isn’t really his style. Glitter is fun, and he enjoys being flashy, but Judas really had over killed it.  
  
When he gets to his original stage outfit, he fondly runs a hand down the shimmery blue front, tracing the stars with the tip of one finger. Its always been his favourite. And much more. .  him. Theres no gold glitter shimmering from every ruffle, no over the top adornments of feathers and bows. No rainbow dyed anything, or silly gossamer butterfly wings. It was simple and clean, with the right amount of sparkle to it. With a small sigh, he folds it away into the suitcase. Now facing the empty wardrobe, he closes it with a final click.  
  
The dresser is harder. Feeling around the mirror sides, he flicks the switch on, letting the Hollywood lights illuminate the entire frame. As he peers into the finger smudged mirror, he hardly recognises the face looking back. Dressed in an over sized hoody, face pale with panda marks punched under each eye, blonde hair unstyled and starting to frizz- it looks like he doesn’t belong here at all.  
  
Its- this is hard, he realises, the feeling in his gut steadily growing worse as he sits down in front of the mirror.  
  
His hands ghost over each eyeshadow palette, the rows of falsies and eyeliner, the corners of his lips twitching upwards as he fondly recalls particular events associated to each item. That one time Kai had come to him, almost in tears and smudging his eyeliner all over the place- absolutely hysterical he couldn’t glue his eyelashes in place. Or another time, much earlier on when Riku had no clue how to apply make up, and Shuu had to sit there trying not to laugh when the young boy had closed his eyes in terror each time he’d tried to paint his under eyes.    
  
He rests his hands on his set of brushes, feeling his vision blur.  
  
“Shit,” he curses softly, lifting up an arm to angrily scrub at his face. Only now, looking at this table and all these memories, does the reality of the situation hit him. Of listening to the doctors orders. All those years ago, as a stupid teenager, he’d ignored them and continued on. But now under Rom’s care, he couldn’t keep going any longer.  
  
No more will he come here. He’ll never hear the twins laugher bouncing around the corridors, or the gentle sound of Riku tuning up his instrument. He’ll never get to wear those stupid costumes ever again, feel that secure weight of his guitar under his finger tips. Feel that sudden rush of butterflies as he psychs himself up for a night of preforming, nervously tapping his heels as he recalls the songs beat, humming softly under his breath.  
  
He’s never going to walk down that corridor again, out into his limo and be taken to whatever new venue for the night. He’ll never part those velvet stage curtains again, to feel the strength of the spotlight on him. He’ll never hear those screams of ‘Shuuzo, Shuuzo,’ ever again. Feel the heat of thousands of bodies crush against the stage, the vibrations of the drums and bass driving him forward. That rush of, just, being alive, doing the one thing he’s alway known he’s truly been good at.  
  
He’ll never get to shine on stage again. The dream is finally over.  
  
Hot tears flood down his cheeks, dripping over his chin and steadily stain his jeans. Shuu’s shoulder shake under the weight of knowing nothing will ever be the same again, and a tiny sob escapes him.  
  
“This isn’t fair!” he screams, drawing back a hand to sweep the entire contents of the dresser onto the floor, ready to claw the mirror off the wall and smash it onto the ground- but a hand stops him. With a startled choke, Shuu looks up and sees a very concerned Rom holding him back.  
  
“Like hell I’m listening to you and letting you do it alone this time.”  
  
Wailing, Shuu buries his face into Rom’s chest, feeling his arms tighten around him, cheek pressing against the top of his head before his lips tickle the edges of his ears. Trembling and sniffling weakly, Shuu manages to angle his face so he can breath a little better.  
  
“I don’t want this,” its the first thing that comes to him, and he immediately feels childish for it. “Why did this have to happen. It. It w-wasn’t meant to end like this.”  
  
Rom doesn’t say a word, he knows nothing will ever make the situation right, instead he makes a comforting rumble in the back of his throat. Shuu assumes its a cat thing. There’s a few years worth of tears staining down his blouse, and he lets Shuu cry himself out, simply stroking his back through the entire mess.  
  
Even though he’s stopped shaking, Shuu starts to feel the edges of extreme self consciousness, trying to use the hem of his sleeve to mop at his cheeks.  
  
“Let me do that,” from his back pocket, Rom pulls out a hankie. Shuu almost laughs in disbelief, but only a cracked sound forms in this throat. Trust an office worker to always come prepared. Rom gently wipes his face clean, holding his chin up so he faces the light- he doesn’t was to accidentally poke his eyes. Its not so bad, Shuu thinks, unconsciously his tail starts to wag at being pampered. He’s used to, well, _attention_. But it was from crowds of thousands, or pandering producers. Not the kind of attention that comes from someone who genuinely cares about him.  
  
“Its not over yet,” Rom murmurs, once Shuu has calmed down a little. “You can still sing.”  
  
“What. In the bloody shower?” Shuu snorts, feeling Rom chuckle slightly.  
  
“Come here,” he helps Shuu up, and holding onto his hand, leads him down the corridor. Shuu hesitates, realising Rom is leading him to the practice room. He’s not sure if he can deal with seeing that on top of everything else. “Trust me. Please?”  
  
But when Rom looks at him with those stupid ernest eyes of his-  
  
Nodding, his gives Rom’s hand a reassuring squeeze.  
  
Its not very flashy, just a padded room that helps soften the instruments. There are music stands cluttered into one corner and a Steinway pushed to one side. There’s something else, sitting innocently on a chair in the middle of the room, and it takes him a moment to realise he knows this instrument.  
  
Shuu blinks.  
  
“Is that- you had that all this time?” he asks, voice in utter disbelief. Dropping Rom’s hand he walks over to the chair reaching for the familiar jet black electric guitar. It still has the silly logo of their old band embellished up the side. “I thought you would have thrown it away,” Shuu adds, actually ashamed of himself for thinking so little of him.  
  
Rom shrugs. “Feel like playing?”  
  
A look of surprise crosses Shuu’s face. His fingers lightly stroke the edge of the guitar base, one fingernail gingerly plucking to produce a soft cord. He smiles at the sound. Its like a familiar voice greeting him after a few long years of being apart.  
  
“Not here,” he decides at last, letting his hand slide away. “I don’t belong here anymore.”  
  
“Shuu, you shouldn’t think that.”  
  
“That’s not what I meant. Really,” Shuu stops him, believing Rom to misinterpret his sentence as a form of self torture. “I know there will always be some part of me that’ll never leave here. For the best part of six years, this was it, this was home to me. I didn’t think I’d ever find another place I would truly belong, or feel comfortable being myself in. But then you came back. Isn’t that funny? I always thought of home in a literal sense, but you’ve always made me feel whole. And I don’t think I’d want it any other way,” his smile grows softer the more he notices the steady flush rising in Rom’s cheeks, and he shyly glances at the ground for a moment.  
  
“I didn’t realise you felt like that,” is what he at last manages to say.  
  
“Better remember it then, I probably won’t say it again,” Shuu hums loudly, not missing the pout being shot his way and instead lifts the guitar off its perch. “Lets take this back to our place, where it really belongs.”

* * *

  
When he wakes, Shuu sleepily stretches out one arm, feeling a small knot in his stomach grow as his finger brush against nothing. He struggles to open his eyes, wincing at the strong light shafting through a crack in the curtains. They’re black, so unlike to what he’s used to, but they do a good job blocking out the natural light when not parted like they are now. He’s stopped waking up startled these days, remember where he is, and who he’s sleeping next too. Whenever he sees Rom isn’t sleeping beside him, it always starts feeling like a dream once more.  
  
He hates this strange, desperate need that he’s never quite felt before. Its always been him, out on his own. It was fine if there was only your own back to catch. If you fall, you only had yourself to blame. He sits up, tail wrapping around his cold legs just as Rom enters the bedroom.  
  
The knot immediately lessens, then tightens when he realises he needs to talk about this. Being honest isn’t something he’s- its - been years, really. Up until just a few weeks ago, most of his life has been one bizarre stage act.  
  
“What’s wrong?”  
  
He realises his ears are pinned backwards, Rom picking up on his discomfort at once. He tries to fluff them back up, shifting around until his feet swing off the bed. He glances to the bed side table, then at the wall, trying to delay looking the leopard in the face.  
  
“Shuu.”  
  
“Okay! Look. This is really stupid, okay,” Shuu bursts out, then meekly trails off, almost glaring at Rom from under his lashes. “Can you not,” he clears his throat awkwardly. Be honest, be honest. “L-Leave the bed before I wake up.”  
  
He goes almost as red as a tomato, stubbornly looking at the floor and trying not to bolt. What is he, twelve? Hearing those words form outside his own mind- they sound so clingy. It’s just. He can’t stand it. The thought of being left alone any longer. Its been so many lonely years of struggling upwards without pause. And- he knows its an irrational fear but. What if he someday wakes up and nothing is there anymore?  
  
He feels his ears pin back down, before a much larger weight covers them. Rom gently strokes his head.  
  
“That’s fine.”  
  
“. . . what. You are’t going to mock me?”  
  
“Why would I do that?”  
  
Finally, Shuu glances up. Rom looks so earnest, eyes slightly big with worry that for once words fail Shuu. He’d forgotten what it was like to be cared for.  
  
“I was just making breakfast anyway,” Rom adds, sitting down beside him and takes one of his hands in his own. "Figured I'd let you sleep in on the weekend," Rom always used to dwarf him, but now the difference is almost scary. His wrists look like they could snap in his grip, harsh veins tracking across his skin, but Rom doesn’t comment on it. Shuu knows he’s been trying to make him gain weight- Judas doesn’t have a hold on his strict diet anymore- but most of the time his stomach isn’t big enough to handle it anymore.  
  
“The eggs aren’t runny are they?”  
  
“No, your majesty.”  
  
“Good,” Shuu’s tail starts to gently swish, swish behind them.  
  
“Before that, I wanted to show you something,” Rom fishes in his track suit pants pockets for a moment, before pulling out his mobile. Shuu leans on his shoulder, peering at the tiny screen as he juggles opening the right tabs with one hand. An ebay auction pops up, and he squints at the image.  
  
“Oh good lord, what were we even thinking when we designed that stupid logo,” Shuu snorts, finally recognising the Ambivalence album cover. From the name, he thinks its from one of their first albums.    
  
“That’s not what you should be looking at.”  
  
“. .  what the fuck.”  
  
Shuu suddenly grabs the phone so he can press his nose to the screen. “That’s more than two of my limited covers combined!”  
  
“Isn’t it weird?” Rom laughs, the bubbling sound just as disbelieving as Shuu’s complaints. The amount of money lost over Ambivalence could have got them both through university. And now seeing just one original cover going for almost the price of covering a few months worth of rent- “I thought it was some weird prank when I got linked to it this morning, but turns out its for real.”  
  
Shuu is deadly quiet, doing mental gymnastics inside his head.  
  
“You know, we could do a rerun-”  
  
“No we’re not.”  
  
Immediately, the phone is taken out of Shuu’s hands. Rom stands, not exactly annoyed, but obviously having hoped the conversation wouldn’t have turned in this direction.  
  
“But think of how much money you cou-”  
  
“It’s not _about_ the money, Shuu.”  
  
“You can hardly afford to cover costs with me here,” Shuu says. He doesn’t want to sound mean, but the truth isn't always nice. “Your band is only just staying above water as it is- I can’t. I can’t do anything anymore. As it is, I can’t repay you. But I can do this. This would help you so much.  Especially when I’m gon-” he stops, air punching out of his lunges. The tip of Rom’s tail twitches.  
  
“Its not about that,” he repeats quietly, turning slightly to show he isn’t angry.  
  
“What is it, then?”  
  
“That was your dream, Shuu. The money, getting rankings, being popular. Having your name out there. That isn’t- that isn’t what I want. I know its hard. And the boys and I always struggle to make ends met. But I kind of. Wouldn’t trade that for the world,” he smiles sheepishly, obviously embarrassed, and Shuu thinks that’s the cheesiest thing he’s ever heard in his life. And he made a living out of being cheesy. Shuu reaches up and pulls Rom back down to the bed. For a moment he lies next to Rom, before rolling over to rest his arms on his chest so he can peer down into his face. He supposes Rom is _his_ big cheesy doofus after all.  
  
“What else?” he demands.  
  
“I know the media has been talking about us a lot lately. But I don’t think Ambivalence deserves that. And I know in high school we always talked about somehow making it big but. That’s not my dream anymore. That actually stopped being my dream soon after I graduated.”  
   
“What _is_ your dream?” he asks, suddenly curious. The hands that have been stroking his back still for a moment. Very carefully, Rom looks up at the ceiling.  
  
“Um.”  
  
“Rooom?” Shuu drags the syllable out teasingly.  
  
“This is my dream, okay,” he blurts out in a hurry, eyes screwing shut out of embarrassment. Shuu blinks.  
  
“What is?”  
  
Rom’s eyes pop open in disbelief, seeing that the canine is completely serious, and is apparently one hundred percent oblivious to the most obvious things.  
  
“ _This_ ,” he tries again, gesturing between them to emphasize his point. “My dream was- _is_ for us to be together, okay,” he’s completely red at this point, trying hard not to look Shuu in the eyes.  
  
“. .  what,” he’s greeted by a blank stare. For a terrifying second, Rom thinks he’s going to laugh. Then he hears a soft, thump, thump. He glances across Shuu’s shoulder, and see’s his tail happily swishing backwards and forwards. “Ah, traitorous thing,” Shuu grumbles, reaching behind to still it, neck flushing as he realises he’s been caught out.

* * *

  
“Hey so. I was thinking.”  
  
He can see the tip of Rom’s tail flicking. He’s nervous. They’re curled up on the couch, lazily channel surfing, before Rom had turned down the volume to speak with him.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“How would you feel if we had dinner. .  with. .  with the boys.”  
  
Ah. Now he understands why Rom’s sweating so hard. His track record with the shingancrimsonz has not been the cleanest. In fact the last time they’d come face to face, that short one- Crow, or whatever- had to be picked up by the lion and dragged off, kicking and screaming.  
  
“Sure. Sounds nice.”  
  
“I mean I’ll make sure they behave, and it’ll only be for like, half and hour an- wait. What?”  
  
“I said its fine.”  
  
Rom shifts, placing a hand on Shuu’s shoulder to pull him back so he can look at his face. Maybe he has a fever.  
  
“. .  when I say boys, you do realise I mean the shingan-”  
  
“Rom. Oh my god. I said yes, and it’s going to be fine. I know you’ve been missing them, it would be selfish of me to say no, so,” he doesn’t have enough lifetimes to repay Rom. He’s been trying to change. It certainly hasn’t been easy, he’s so used to lying- but he wants to make that kind of effort for Rom.  
  
“Oh. Uh. Cool,” he mutters, utterly confused at his boyfriends strange turn around, but not one to look a gift horse in the mouth.  
  
Shuu isn't sure if he's made a mistake agreeing to this or not.  
  
They’d made an arrangement of swapping between their apartment and BRR cafe for their joint dinner dates, and already Shuu has to come to terms that this will be a long term thing. Shuu doesn't particularly like the idea of them coming over to their, it feels almost like an invasion. On the picked out day, Shuu had helped Rom around the kitchen- strictly told not to touch anything hot or attempt to cook anything- at least he could slice onions, albeit wonkily. Its been a long time since Shuu’s dressed himself up, and although its just Rom’s ragtag band mates, he still feels uncomfortable without putting on makeup and something nicer than his usual baggy knitted jumpers and Rom’s sweat pants.  
  
When they arrive, it surprises him that they almost appear normal once wearing civvies, although Aion still manages to cover every inch of skin under black as if the very air touching him is repulsive. Crow has enough energy and noise to make up for about ten other people, so it barely matters his other bands mates are about as engaging as wallflowers. Until they start arguing. Shuu can tell they’re under orders from Rom about being polite.  
  
That had lasted almost all of fifteen minutes.  
  
Before long, things are flying- things of very messy quality and Shuu quietly laments the bills of a carpet cleaner-  fists are raised and the only thing stopping Crow and Aion from tousling on the table is Rom grabbing them both by the scruffs and yanking them apart. Surprisingly, the quiet bassist has kept his nose clean of the fight, seemingly too preoccupied with his phone to care much of what was going on around him. Although his blood is at boiling point, Shuu has somehow managed to keep his temper under control, the only indication of how bad it is, is the loud slam of the balcony door behind him.  
  
Needing to breath in the cold night air, he regrets not bringing a jumper out with him, but the thought of going back inside to deal with the boys makes his head ache. A few minutes later, his peace is ruined as the door slides open.  
  
“I swear to god, those three better be out of my house or- oh,” he starts blurting out angrily before turning to see who it actually is- automatically assuming only Rom is stupid enough to bother him now- instead its Yaiba, looking unpreturbed at being shouted at. Nonchalantly, he holds up a packet of cigarettes, and Shuu tiredly waves his hand in a go on manner.  
  
“Figured I could light up around you without the fear of killing you any faster,” Yaiba quips, and Shuu is too shocked to reply. Watching him, it only takes a moment of practiced fumbling to catch the smoke and place it to his lips, the fox closing his eyes briefly as he inhales deeply, before letting it all out in one big puff. “They’re a hard lot to deal with.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“My bandmates,” he clarifies, turning himself slightly to lean on the rails and talk to Shuu at the same time. “I don’t blame you for getting angry. Rom’s too good natured to really sort them out, Aion just can’t deal with Crow, social issues aside, and I don’t really care about fixing it either. We kind of all coexist in a natural state of organised chaos. Its a little poetic.”  
  
“Sounds like a fucking sugar coated phrase for a head ache,” Shuu grunts, rubbing one thumb against his temple. “How on earth do you even preform like that?”  
  
Yaiba thinks for a moment.  
  
“Playing is the only time we all shut up, and when we shut up, it works. Crow still gets to be loud- but he’s putting all his energy into producing lyrics and the others can focus on their sound and not worry about him unbalancing everything again. All that chaos gets channelled into something.”  
  
“Honestly? I’ve never listened to one of your concerts your sound isn’t exactly. .  my tastes.”  
  
“Funny that, coming from a visual kei veteran.”  
  
“My lyrics were far better than the trash your midget vocalist produces,” Shuu sneers. With an angrily lash of his tail, Yaiba flicks the cigarette butt over the side of the railing.  
  
“I was just trying to be nice and check up on you. Because I _am_ sorry about them.”  
  
“Well, you wasted your time. I don’t need it.”  
  
Just short of telling him to fuck off, they both stand there glaring for one heated moment, before Yaiba is the first to glance away. “It really does suck, you know?” sighing loudly, Shuu crosses his arms- but decides to hear him out. “That you have to die. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying this to give _you_ pity, its more for Rom’s sake. Its going to destroy him.”  
  
Shuu’s tail stills.  
  
His ears fold backwards, lips lifting up into a snarl, and he fights the urge to push Yaiba straight off the balcony and down to the ground below. “What the fuck did you just say-”  
  
“Hey!”  
  
The sliding door rattles open, myumon in question interrupting before anything can truly break out. “Get in here and grab your stuff, the other two are leaving,” he jerks his head at Yaiba who spares one more look at Shuu before disappearing back inside. More conscious of the cold than ever before, Shuu wraps his arms around himself, staring up at Rom as if he suddenly doesn’t know where he is any longer. “Shuu, I’m so sor-”  
  
“Not now.”  
  
Pushing past Rom to get back inside, he doesn’t even glance at the entrance to see the boys leaving, instead heading straight for their bedroom. Wanting to get somewhere safe and find some form of comfort and reassurance there. Sitting at the foot of their bed, Shuu grabs the nearest pillow and holds it to his chest, gazing blankly at a spot on the carpet. There's a war of emotions raging inside his head, and he can't seem to calm down enough to sort through them all. Having heard his own fears spoken out loud by the third party like that, he doesn't know if he hates Yaiba or himself more.

In the distance, he hears the front door shut and lock, soft footfalls getting closer until Rom puts his head around the door.  
  
“Shuu?”  
  
“I’m not mad at you.”  
  
“I know but- can I come in?”  
  
At his nod, Rom slowly approaches the bed, looking slightly unsure to if he should sit down or not.

"I shouldn't have done that. Thinking we could have dinner together was a stupid idea. I know what they're all like, and you shouldn't of had to have dealt with that."

"Your life doesn't need to be put on hold because of me. It wasn't a stupid idea, well, okay. Maybe a little, but I shouldn't have been surprised it ended up like that."

". .  I think I'm more worried you're not yelling at me. Shuu you were about to tear everyone's heads off back there."

Sadly, Shuu glances up from the ground to flash him a tired smile. "Honestly? I'm more upset than feeling angry anymore. Yaiba said something to me out there. Something that’s always been on my mind since I was first diagnosed. About how badly . .  this- everything- is going to effect you,” he sees the sad down turn of Rom’s lips, the sag to his shoulders. He reaches down to lightly stroke Shuu’s head and ears, which flicker backwards at the soft touch, at last moving to kneel down in front of him and wrap both arms around his waist, pressing his face into Shuu’s stomach as he moves the pillow out of the way.

"It made me feel awful he was insinuating that's the amount our relationship adds up to- that I'm just heartlessly stringing you along until the end, then letting you deal with it by yourself. And it's really shit that your band clearly cares about you and thinks I don't," he grimaces bitterly, the grip on his waist almost leaving him breathless as Rom angrily looks up at him.

"That's not true. _You_ know that's not true, and I'll beat it out of anyone who tries saying otherwise," he reaches up to softly cup Shuu's face with one hand, stroking across his cheek until blush and foundation stains across his finger tips. "I don't mean to say this to defend Yaiba, but I think he said that because he sees how happy I am these days. And he's probably worried about how hard a fall it'll be from that. I'm always, um, well I'm always talking about you during band practice, and it drives Chuchu crazy everytime I answer my Line messages in the middle of practice because it always draws our playing time out longer. Its the same with work too. My coworkers are always asking what's in my bento since you've gotten kinda good at making sweets now, and I always sort brag about it," this close to Shuu's chest, Rom can clearly hear the loud pound of his heart as it speeds up suddenly.

"You're such a loser," he grunts between pressed together lips, the happy wiggle of his ears and tail giving away just how happy he is.

"Well I'm sorry that I love you and want to show you off everywhere."

Shuu grins broadly, not really one to shy away from praise no matter how embarrassing. "I love you too," he doesn't need to lean down much to sweetly kiss Rom, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck to draw him in closer. ". .  but we probably shouldn't avoid talking about this any longer," he hates to ruin the mood, especially now, when all he wants is to curl up with Rom and enjoy him for a few hours. "Now matter how Yaiba meant it, its still true. I'll be gone and then what? I don't want to go knowing we didn't, I don't know, try to come to terms with it? Or whatever the hell you're meant to do in these types of situations."

He can see what looks like a shutter come down over Rom's eyes, like he's truly in deep denial about everything.  
  
“A large part of me still doesn't want to, to talk about it, to not really accept this is all happening- honestly, I have a feeling I’ll never be ready to accept it. Its selfish of me to just carry on like nothings wrong, but I’m scared Shuu, I’m really fucking scared.”  
  
“I never wanted to do this to you-”  
  
“I’m not blaming you!”  
  
Rom shots his head up desperately, and Shuu takes either side of his face in both hands, giving his lips a reassuring kiss, more as a way to show he's still here. Neither knows who to comfort the other, or who needs it most.

"I just want to stay happy," Rom admits quietly. "It's really selfish and immature, but I don't think I can deal with thinking ahead long term. I want to stay in the moment and enjoy the time I have left with you."

"That's not selfish," Shuu reassures him, running a kind hand through his scruffy hair, scratching at where its been buzz cut at the back. He already knows Rom isn't the type to make decisions for the future. The man can barely choose between two different curtain types, going back and forth until entirely backing out and saying maybe they can keep the ones that they have for the moment despite the giant moth holes in them. How can he expect him to decide what to do after Shuu is gone?  
  
“You know, it would be really great if you would get off the floor and give me a proper hug so I stop feeling like shit,” he suggests, voice slightly wobbly, and Rom scrambles none to elegantly up, and it takes a bit of awkwardly shuffling and shoving blankets out of the way until they both end up curled up into one other, Shuu’s head fitting snuggling under Rom’s chin.  
  
“I shouldn’t be putting this amount of pressure on you,” Rom sighs, rubbing a hand up and down Shuu’s back, heart sinking at each bone he can feel with such ease. “I should be the one staying strong and keeping it together.”  
  
“Hey. What was it you told me at the hospital? That we’d stop fucking up together. Then lets stick to that. Doing it together. You don’t need to go around playing the hero. You’re allowed to be scared. I’m allowed to feel bad. But at the end of the day, we get through it and move on.”  
  
“When the hell did you get smarter than me?” Rom grunts, pulling back to peer into Shuu’s face. There’s a impish smile fixed in place.  
  
“I’ve always been smarter than you. I’m just so nice and let you believe you were better all this time.”  
  
Snorting, Rom rubs his cheek against Shuu’s fluffy ears, pulling out a ticklish laugh from below. “Feel up to finishing the dinner we never got to eat?”  
  
“God, is there any left, most of it ended up on the floor and walls.”  
  
“Don’t remind me.”  
  
With a contented hum, Shuu hugs the strong body closer to his own. “Maybe in a little bit. Right now this is nice.”

* * *

“Why are all your cupboards locked? I can’t find a spoon anywhere,” the disgruntled voice of Crow floats from out of the kitchen. Its been a few months after the first dinner fiasco, and in that time most issues have been smoothed over. Yaiba had apologised to Shuu- Rom glaring at him being the strongest motivator- and a strange friendship had managed to settle over the pair of them. At least Yaiba wasn't loud, and seemed to be far more intelligent than his other band members, so already Shuu had known he would get along better with him. As for the other two. Aion barely spoke two words to Shuu, as Shuu had noticed the lion was actually too scared to try communicate with him- for reasons even Rom wasn't sure of. And Crow was. Well. Crow.

Shuu ignores the question, tail swishing in an agitated manner. Everyone else has stepped out to run an errand, unfortunately leaving Shuu behind to baby sit Crow. Although the hedgehog seems to think its the other way around.  
  
“Hey, where are you going?”  
  
“Just out on the balcony,” he sighs when he hears quick footsteps following him. He has no idea what Rom’s been telling him, but he’s going to assume the worst. Unbolting the sliding doors, he lets in the cool night breeze as he steps out onto the tiny balcony. Huggings his arms across his chest, Shuu leans on the metal railing. From behind, he hears the soft click of Crow closing the door, trying to keep the warm air inside.  
  
“Do you ever get sad?” Shuu shoots from over his shoulder.  
  
“What.”  
  
“Yes, I’m talking to you, midget.”  
  
Angrily, Crow rudely bumps his shoulder into Shuu’s biceps as he joins him by the railing, glaring off at the skyline. There’s a soft orange glow just on the horizon, indicating the heart of Midi City.    
  
“Sure like. Whenever I screw up a song, or a big gig. That can really suck. Nothing worse than letting my band mates down Or if my favourite ramen is sold out,” he laments slightly, and Shuu’s ears twitch in amusement. He’d forgotten what it was like, to be so young and naive. It was refreshing to hear. “Why? And what about you, its hard to imagine the great Shuuzo ever getting sad.”  
  
“Oh no, my once contract strictly states no getting sad ever. I must always fart rainbows and butterflies,” he hears laughter by his elbow, and he blinks down in surprised to see a wide grin stretched over the red heads face.  
  
“I think I like you better like this.”  
  
“What. Dying?”  
  
He didn’t mean to sound quite so bitter, especially when they’d finally managed to ease the tension crackling between them. Crow’s cheeks heat up slightly, and he stares at the building opposite them for a second, clearly thinking, before glancing back at Shuu.  
  
“Yeah, actually. Its knocked you down a peg or two.”  
  
_I should be knocking you down_ , Shuu thinks, but to his surprise, feels a satisfied smile twitch at the corners of his mouth. This weird honesty Crow has around him . . he doesn’t know what to call it. To not be treated like glass is kind of nice. Even Rom, who knows him better than anyone else, is still guilty of doing that.  
  
“Is that so,” he quietly hums, seeing Crow visibly relax out of the corner of his eye.  
  
“Do you get sad?”  
  
There’s no more laughter in his voice now.  
  
“Sometimes,” _all the time_. “But never about my situation,” _I hate thinking about what’s going to happen to Rom._  
  
Crow is quiet, so quiet in fact, that Shuu thinks this must be a new record.  
  
“Hey. Can I ask about your tail?”  
  
The sudden change in conversation catches him off guard. Fluffy appendage in question swishes around his legs, and for the first time Shuu feels self conscious. Crow is keenly observing him, and its not like he isn’t used to people staring at him. Its hard not too. But this is first time someone outside of Rom has seen him without the Shuuzo act. Although he still dresses nice around his guests and makes an effort to put his face on, it can't hide the fact the dye in his hair is fading, his natural brown hair showing at the roots, the chemically straitened ends starting to wear out and drop back to his natural curls. He looks so average now, most of his defensive- material- barrier stripped away.  
  
“Uh, what about it?”  
  
“Where did the other colours go?”  
  
Shuu bursts out laughing, suddenly feeling silly for being worried in the first place. He’d almost forgotten who he was talking to.  
  
“Those weren’t my natural colours. I had them streaked in,” he giggles behind one hand, trying to stuff the noise back down as a very scandalised Crow looks up at him. Its like he’s been told the world isn’t round, he looks so betrayed. “Why are you so disappointed?” _Why are you so stupid?_  
  
“Well its just- you know- I don’t,” he gestures wildly for a moment. Shuu decides to throw him a bone and spare him the awkwardness.  
  
“Actually, I have always wanted to ask. Why is your tail so long? I’ve never seen another hedgehog with a long tail.”  
  
“Oh,” his plan appears to have back fire. Crow, if possible, looks even more awkward than before. Finding a truly fascinating spot on the ground to focus on, he nervously starts wringing his tail in his hands- a gesture that a child might do when caught doing something wrong. “I’m not actually, um, a pure bred hedgehog.”  
  
“Ah,” now he understands his nerves. Not a lot of myumons go around announcing mixed blood heritage. “Don’t worry, neither am I.”  
  
“Don’t make fun of me,” Crow snaps, angry red patches appearing high on his cheeks. “Like hell you are! You’re the fucking, perfect Galactic Prince, or whatever. You can’t be a half breed.”  
  
“Well I mean, I could probably find my birth certificate in the house- but I can’t make you believe me. Its true, at any rate. I just don’t tell anyone- well. Judas never let me. God forbid that it got out that a top selling record company hired some half bred mutt.”  
  
Shimmering down a little, Crow narrows his eyes suspiciously. “. . . you’re serious aren’t you? Is that why-”  
  
“That’s why I’m sick. Mum was always sick too, it runs in our breeds line, but it isn’t bad enough that we die at not even thirty. Its thanks to dad that it really messed with my genetics.”     
  
There’s silence, before a tiny voice asks.  
  
“Does that mean I’m going to die?”  
  
“Oh, Crow.”  
  
Shuu tries. He really does try his hardest not to laugh. But Crow is showing him the most pathetic face he’s ever seen in his life, and it simply makes him want to tease the hedgehog more. Clearing his throat to disguise his laughter, Shuu feels bad enough to at least sling an arm around his shoulders.  
  
“I’m pretty sure the only strange genetic problem you got was stunted growth. So you don’t need to worry.”

* * *

   
With a critical eye, Shuu sizes himself up in the full length mirror. Starting with his face, he curiously leans in and turns his chin this way and that, noting his foundation and concealer isn’t doing the best job at hiding his bags anymore. He tries to see what else is wrong. For the first time in awhile, he’s taken the time to straighten his hair again, making it fluff up into its usual mess at the back. Although his highlights have long since washed out, the faded dusty golden colour of his natural hair isn’t so bad is it?

Maybe its his tail. Turning slightly, he gives it a slight wag at his reflection, the entire limb back to its original brown and white, but still just as thick and full as ever. Its always been his pride and joy, and even now, takes his time every night to wash, blow dry and straighten it. The task is labourous with how large it is, but if he leaves it damp, it soaks their bed, or he catches a back chill from it and if he avoids straightening it, the blow dryer just poofs it out unattractively. At least he now has Rom, who seems to enjoy brushing and helping maintain it each evening. A few times when they've been on the couch, Shuu's lower half across Rom's lap, he's found himself nodding off to the nice brushing, waking about an hour later and discovering tiny plaits all through his tail- Rom having occupied himself as his boyfriend slept.

There have always been a lot of rumours about his tail, he'd always enjoyed reading articles and blogs about it, normal they said he had extentions or was even an implant- anything to be come a top idol. But no. Shuu is just strangely blessed with very good genetics- at least tail wise.  
  
Crossing his arms over his bare chest, he narrows his eyes, only wearing a pair of Rom’s old shorts for some form of decency. Not that he’s really needed to be decent in this household.  
  
From behind, he’s startled when a pair of familiar arms wrap around his waist.  
  
“What on earth are you doing? You’ve been preening in front of the mirror for about fifteen damn minutes.”  
  
“Well someone has to take the time to admire this.”  
  
Chuckling, Rom plants a kiss on his cheek. “Hm. You’re wearing makeup. It’s not because Yaiba’s coming over is it?”  
  
“I just feel weird without it,” he confesses. “Like he’d be able to see straight through me without something there to stop it.”  
  
“He’s the last person in Midi City you need to worry about judging you. Guy’s as weird as they come. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really see us when he talks, just a bunch of digital options and a mouse cursor to click the right reply and raise the right flag.”  
  
Shuu smiles slightly. “I know you’re just trying to make me feel better.”  
  
“Is it working?” he huffs against his head, seeing the reply in the mirrors reflection. Rom will always know it won’t just take a few repeated remarks to wash away years of selective treatment and conditioning. Even in high school, Shuu had covered himself in a protective shield of makeup and falsies, making friends with the gyaru girls who were more than happy to teach him everything they knew. Judas reinforcing he had to be perfect and beautiful twenty four seven didn’t really help much beyond that. Its only around Rom he allows himself to take off his makeup and put on ratty old clothes and at last act like himself.  
  
“Say Rom, I’m not, unattractive, right?”  
  
“Really, where is this all coming from. You should know by now that I think you’re gorgeous. With or without make up. Mostly without. If only because your make up tastes kinda gross,” he can see a light frown in Shuu’s reflection.  
  
“And its not because I’ve gained weight?”  
  
“I wish you’d gain _more_. I swear you’ve only put on like, a _single_ gram in all this time. Look,” he gives Shuu’s stomach a prod, trying to pinch a piece of fat between forefinger and thumb- and coming away with nothing. He smooths a hand over Shuu’s skin, gently rubbing the red mark away before securely wrapping his arms back in place. “What’s up?”  
  
Since he can’t look at him directly, Shuu has to address Rom’s reflection. “Why haven’t we had sex then?”  
  
Never one to mince words, he has to wait a little bit so his boyfriend can collect himself, having gone beet red and stuttery at the question. He’s older than Shuu, he has a full time job, its not like they haven’t fucked in the past, yet here he is, acting like an innocent virgin. Although that is the reason why Shuu finds him so charming- that bumbling naivety he still hasn’t managed to shake off after all this time.  
  
“W-what?”  
  
Is the only squeaky reply he gets.  
  
“I said- why haven’t you fucked me- oof!” he gives a slight gasp as Rom none to gently squeezes his middle, shoving his flaming face against the back of Shuu’s neck.  
  
“I get it I get it. Do you need to be so blunt about it?” Rom whines.  
  
“. . .I was starting to think you thought I was ugly, or something,” Shuu grumbles, clearly angry with himself. He gets a light kiss at the back of his neck, telling him to shut up. Sex wasn't something either of them had brought up in all their time back together. Shuu, while having been extremely demanding as a teenager, his libido had been all but diminished because of his illness and bad head space. Meanwhile Rom, its not as if he had a low sex drive, but he was a lot more patience than Shuu and didn't care either way if they had a physical relationship or not. So the issue had been left alone, until Shuu's fluctuating bad patches had started to convince him Rom must find him repulsive and refused to touch him otherwise. Shuu couldn't really place a name on what he felt these days, but he just wanted some kind of physical closeness they used to have, and maybe that would fix the problem of feeling so empty all the time.  
  
“That’s not it. Like, at all. Shuu, you should of said something, I feel really awful making you think that.”  
  
“Then why?”  
  
“Honestly? I’m really afraid of hurting you.”  
  
“I swear to _god_ we had this exact conversation almost ten years ago, as teenagers. And like, I know you were just being overly cautious because it was our first time together back then, and _okay_ , I’m still really grateful for that because you were a lot bigger than I was expecting but. I’m _pretty sure_ just because its been a couple of years since we last had sex, I don’t need the kiddy glove treatment-”  
  
“Shuu you don’t know that. And you’re going to get angry at me for saying this, I just know it, but you need to hear me out. You aren’t like what you once were. And I know _you know_ your own body best but- what if you don’t anymore? You don’t know how much strain you can take any longer. You’re not a young adult with a bit of muscle weight behind him, you’re- you’re sick. And I know we pussy foot around this a lot, or pretend you’re not or whatever, but we can’t just ignore it. Because you are.”  
  
Shuu is quiet, and he’s not sure if he’s going to yell or not. “Do you remember what I said back then? As teenager? I said we’d never know until we found out. So lets do that again. Let’s find out,” finding it hard to continue on without looking at Rom, Shuu wriggles out of his grasp and turns to look up into his face.  
  
“. . .I don’t know.”  
  
“We don’t need to go all the way,” he tries for a better approach, knowing that although Rom can be a tough nut to crack, Shuu will always get his way in the end. “I know I kind of. .  alluded to that, earlier, but that mostly came out because of frustration. I just. I miss it, I miss feeling normal, that something still isn't right and I'm annoyed that you feel like you need to protect me like I'm glass or something.”  
  
“. .  well we’re not- we’re not doing it right now. Guest coming and all that. Also I don’t even have condoms in the house anymore,” he adds sheepishly.  
  
“What, why?”  
  
“Jesus Christ Shuu, its not like I planned on fucking another myumon after we broke up-” a shocked blush spreads across Shuu’s face, and his tail starts to frantically wag. Happily he snuggles up against his chest.  
  
“You really didn’t sleep with anyone after we broke up?”  
  
Realising what he’s just admitted to, Rom awkwardly looks away, a self conscious flush spreading up his neck. “Well, no. I wasn’t really interested in anyone else, and casually fucking isn’t exactly appealing to me.”  
  
“. .  that’s really cute. You’re so cute Rom!” Shuu squeals, eyes going positively starry eyed at the confession.  
  
“I hope you’re not about to tell me a list of people you slept with after that,” he adds with a touch of bitterness that makes Shuu grin wider at realising he’s jealous. He leans up to peck at his lips.  
  
“Idols have to sign a contract vowing to celibacy- so no, unless you wanna starting giving each of my fingers a name, you have nothing to worry about. Even without the contract, I wouldn't have anyway.”  
  
“Oh,” he’s trying to hide how relieve he is. Shuu giggles slightly, letting his hands slide up Rom’s chest, resting his chin on the very tips of his nails so he can smirk up at his red face.  
  
“Are you really sure we can’t do it now?”  
  
“Oh no. No _no_. You know damn well you get me too worked up and then Yaiba will arrive and I won’t wanna stop, and I’m not accidentally scarring my friend because you wanna be a selfish little shit.”  
  
Shuu pouts, blowing his cheeks up and making an upset whining sound at the back of his throat. “You’re so mean. You never want to do anything too naughty especially if it would get you into trouble.”  
  
“Someone needs to hold us back in the relationship. If I let you have your way, you would have turned me into some kind of sexual deviant.”  
  
“Now now, you only say that because I know you’d enjoy it.”  
  
“. .  that’s why I’m an old stick in the mud, because you’re mostly right.”

* * *

  
“I want to write a song.”  
  
Rom looks up from reading the newspaper on his side of the bed, ears pricking forward. This is new and. Good. Very good. He hasn’t seen Shuu even touch music since their visit to the studio.  
  
“Oh?”  
  
“Yeah like. I dunno. Maybe something old school. Hey. Why don’t we rewatch some of our old tapes?” he says, tail suddenly lifting at the idea as he rolls onto his stomach, looking eagerly up at Rom who’s smiling fondly down at him.  
  
“That sounds cringe worthy. Lets do it. Wait here while I find the vhr.”  
  
“I can’t believe you still own one,” Shuu mutters to himself as Rom pads out of the room. Sometimes he wonders how much of an old man is trapped inside of Rom. There’s some thumping and grunting from the living room, and about ten minutes later, ears covered in spiderwebs, Rom arrives with a black box tucked under one arm and a stack of tapes in the other.  
  
He starts setting up the old unit on their portable tv set, plugging up the correct wires and switching the tv on. Shuu leans over to brush his ears clean. He starts to scratch behind them, hearing Rom involuntary start to purr.  
  
“Trying to concentrate,” he says over his shoulder.  
  
Shuu snickers, giving the tips a pinch just as Rom pushes the first tape in. He quickly turns around with a good natured huff, watching Shuu scoot back up the bed to avoid Rom’s sudden lunge. He yelps as the much larger male still manages to grab him- oh so careful of trying not to hurt him- and almost effortlessly pins him down.  
  
“Stop being such a little shi-plllfb,” he splutters as Shuu shoves his tail into his face. Shuu snorts with helpless laughter. Rom pushes the fluffy thing out of his way, but has unfortunately sacrificed his grip on one of Shuu’s hands to do so. “I swear to god I need another set of arms when it comes to you- do you want to watch these or not?”  
  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry- okay, well no I’m not- but yes, I want to watch them,” he tries not to giggle at Rom’s mock stern face. Rom gets back up to find the remote, Shuu making himself comfortable at the head of the bed once more. He pulls the blanket up over them both when Rom settles in beside him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders and Shuu happily rests against his chest.  
  
“What one did you pick?”  
  
“First concert,” the tv flickers as Rom presses play and the footage is a little grainy but still in good quality considering its age.  
  
“Ah. I was so happy that day,” Shuu starts to smile at the fond memory. “I couldn’t believe you guys, surprising me with a tour as a graduation present. Oh god, you can hear how nervous I was,” he listens to the opening line, mouth twisting a little at the obvious waver of the much younger Shuu on screen.  
  
“You look like such a baby,” Rom agrees. Had it seriously been that long ago? Shuu had hardly turned eighteen at the time.  
  
“Christ. I forgot what I used to wear back then. Why didn’t you stop me, I look like something out of a goths wet dream. Actually. You know what. Nevermind. Because there goes your shirt,” he laughs in delight, hearing the crowd go absolutely crazy as the scrap of clothing disappears off into the mass of bodies. “Why did you use to do that?”  
  
“It gets hot on stage,” Rom coughs, no looking Shuu in the eye. Well. He certainly doesn’t do it with the shingancrimsonz. Letting it go for now, they watch the rest of the concert, occasionally commenting or cringing. As the tape rolls over to blue screen, Rom turns the tv off. Shuu is already rummaging around in the bedside table drawers, pulling out a notebook and pencil, hastily scribbling lines and adding in a treble clef. Seeing how focused his boyfriend is, Rom just picks up the forgotten newspaper and lets a happy silence settle between them.  
  
An hour or so passes by, he’s finished reading the entire thing back to back, and Shuu is still scribbling away. Rom tries to peer over at his work, but he covers the page with a hand.  
  
“Its not done yet,” he whines, and Rom had forgotten how sensitive he gets when writing music. In fact, Shuu isn’t done for a week. He wakes up each morning, sits out in the sunshine with a cup of coffee and continues plugging away. Rom buys him proper sheet music, and he’s soon eaten away at half the pad.  
  
Its been a long time since he’s seen Shuu this focused on a task. Sometimes, its been a struggle to even get him out of bed. Physically, there appears to be nothing wrong with Shuu. Maybe a little too skinny for Rom’s liking, and now that he’s make up free you could see just how much of a toll the stress of working for Judas had taken on his complexion. So, asides from those little things, sometimes Rom forgets just how sick he is.  
  
When he wakes up in the morning, more often than not, he’ll find Shuu curled up by his side, or have one arm possessively flung over his chest, snoring softly before Rom blowing on his ears startles him awake. When he gets smacked with a pillow- he knows it’ll be a good day. A bad day is when he finds Shuu on the very far side of the bed, hunched up in on himself, eyes fixed on a point he can’t quite see. Its very hard to leave Shuu on his own when he relapses like this. Its not that Rom think’s he’ll do anything stupid, but he’s also gone out of his way to install safety locks on all the cupboards with knives.  
  
Rom is cooking dinner when Shuu finally says he’s finished.  
  
“Will you check over them?” he asks, slightly nervous. Rom turns off the stove, wiping his hands off on a tea towel.  
  
“Why don’t you sing them to me?” Rom suggests instead, surprised to see a faint blush rise in Shuu’s cheeks. He supposes it has been a long time.  
  
Grabbing a guitar, Shuu tunes it, tapping lightly on the hollow wooden body and smiling at the sound. He’s used electric guitars for so long now- this takes him back to high school. He starts out softly, voice a little unsure from weeks of neglect, but once he hits the chorus he starts getting into it. Its a simple melody, with refreshing lyrics- nothing about glitter or galaxies- and he sees Rom’s broad grin from out of the corner of his eye.  
  
“That was- very different. A good different,” he comments as Shuu cuts off the last note. He goes through the rest of them, but the last song he has Rom read. His eyebrows lift higher and higher the further down the page he gets. “This sounds- uh, not you. Not even Ambivalence. Well I mean. Maybe inspired? I mean, unless I knew you better, I would think this is one of shingancrimonz songs,” he laughs, abruptly trailing off when he sees Shuu’s serious expression.  
  
“I want you guys to play it. I want to, ah,” he rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. “Just, thank you guys. For what you’ve done over the last few months. Really. And this is all I could think of as repayment. I know its been really hard on your boys. They’ve had to keep going without you around, so I want. I want you to perform this with them. Maybe. I mean. If you’d like.”  
  
Rom stares at him in slight wonder. And for a second, his eyes almost sparkle. He takes the guitar out of his grip, before picking Shuu right off the ground and kissing him. On instinct Shuu wraps his arms around his neck, even though he knows Rom would never let him fall.

* * *

  
The doctors are not happy about Shuu attending a concert. They were already upset over Shuu changing his name just to avoid his records showing up- Judas, of course, had paid out of their asses to make sure his specialist would keep quiet about his illness- so they were having none of it.  
  
Shuu tries not too get that upset over it, making do with a live feed set up by their producer. Curled up at the foot of their bed, Shuu is glued to the tv as the lights dim on stage, before flashing red and spotlighting on the Shingancrimsonz. Its strange, watching another band play after all this time. Not a bad strange just. . .  
  
As always, Crow drops his awful cattle line, making Shuu laugh quietly and contemplate almost changing channels.  
  
“So, we have a bit of a surprise for you guys tonight,” Crow warms up the crowd before getting right into the performance. It was something Shuu always had an MC do, but he supposes he can see the charm in doing it yourself. “We have a brand new song we’re gonna sing for you,” the rest of the sentence is drowned by thunderous screams, and even Shuu can’t contain his excitement. “As you all know by now, our drummer here used to be apart of a band before Shingancrimsonz. This song was composed by that band’s leader, Shuuzo!”  
  
Crow can barely get the last syllable out before he’s overrun by noise. The crowd is going crazy. Then, from the very depths of the crowd, comes an achingly familiar chant.  
  
“Shuuzo! Shuuzo!”  
  
Shuu’s heart stills for a moment, eyes popping wide. He never thought he’d hear that sound again. He laughs, sound turning into a small sob as his chest fills with warmth. Really, he’s been so damn naive. His dream never had to die. It can still live on. Pressing the back of his hand to his mouth, he grins against his fingers, a few tears spilling out.  
  
“Hey! You guys better keep that up, cus I’m willing to bet he’s watching right now. So, listen up, Shuuzo, this is the sound of my burning soul! Ready and-”  
  
They sound good. Great infact. He knew they would. All they needed was the right direction, less of those trashy teenage emo lyrics. Shuu can barely contain himself, and has to clamp a hand down on his tail as the distracting thumping is ruining the bet of the song. Just as Crow finishes the chorus, Shuu stops breathing, because he knows what’s about to happen next.  
  
He’d spent a few days agonising over this particular section of the song, rewriting the notes until the score sheet was just a scribbled over mess. Drummers never get to shine on stage, and he’s damn well sure he’s going to change that-  
  
Whoever is controlling the live feed camera must have been informed, because they’re zooming in on Rom, and then his eyes flicker over to the lense before he grins, reaching over his head and-  
  
Ripping his vest right off, the girls screams picking up a notch.  
  
Bloody show off.  
  
Every note is hit perfectly, Rom even going as far as to squeeze in a few cadenzas of his own. When the rest of the band joins back in, Shuu is singing along, surprised at how well their voices compliment each other. Maybe he could write a duet next.  
  
As the final notes fade, the crowd isn’t settling down in any hurry. Crow needs to scream himself hoarse to even get them slightly under control.  
  
“Christ, Rom. I think you need to take your vest off more often.”  
  
“I don’t think my partner would be very happy if I made it a regular thing.”

Just short of waiting by the front door the rest of the night, as soon as he hears the keys enter the lock, Shuu is pulling the door open before Rom can get his foot inside, suddenly getting a armful of excited boyfriend. Trying to get out how good their show was and kiss him at the same time, Shuu only shuts up when Rom finally picks him up and puts them both inside, shutting the door and raising his eyebrows in bemusement.

"I want to do it again," Shuu grins, teeth flashing wider as Rom leans down to nuzzle one side of his face.

"I'm glad you've found your passion again."

While Rom takes his time in the shower, Shuu snuggles up in bed, pulling out a fresh sheet of music and can already see his next song forming shape on the page even before his pencil touches the paper. He knows time is ticking away, feels it inside his chest whenever he's alone- and although he can't tell how much longer he has before it all comes to a close he still hums happily as he works. Its the first time he felt so at peace with himself and his actions. Things might be ending soon, but he didn't need to be sad over it. He now knows he can smile because it happened.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't hate myself enough to let this story end badly.


End file.
